How to Bully-Proof your Child

By Matt Dorsey
Head Instructor, Martial Arts America

Bullying is a problem that has plagued schools and childhood culture since time began. Only lately has it started receiving the attention it deserves from educators and parents. We are becoming better educated about the nature of bullying and its traumatic, long-term effects on a child, and adults are realizing that it is an issue that needs to be dealt with pro-actively and decisively.

There are two kinds of bullying: Physical, and psychological (which usually takes the form of ridicule, either in person or online). Strategies for dealing with the two different types differ radically. This article will give you ideas, insight, and practical skills to deal with a bully who is physically aggressive.

First, it’s important to let the child know that a bully usually acts that way out of low self-esteem. Bullies don’t feel happy about themselves, they don’t know how to make friends, and they think that by acting like a bully, they will get noticed. So, although on the outside a bully appears strong, inside they are actually looking for a way to express themselves. This, of course, doesn’t excuse their behavior, but understanding this can help your child grasp that the problem lies in the bully, not in the victim.

Refusing a Reaction

Standing up to a bully is often not so much a matter of fighting him, but simply refusing to be affected by their bullying. Bullies want to get a reaction from their victims: They want the other child to cry, be upset, or do something in retaliation. By refusing to react, intended victims don't give bullies what they want.

For example: If a bully starts teasing or calling names, the other child should do his best not to react at all, ignoring the teasing or just responding “So?” to the taunts of the bully. By not getting the expected reaction, the bully has to re-think his or her strategy.

It takes confidence, and practice, to face a bully without fear. So it is useful to role-play this with your children--sometimes many times--to give them the experience of what a bully might do or say.

One role-playing exercise is to have the parent (or older sibling) say to the child “You’re stupid, you don’t know how to do anything!” in a taunting voice. The child should remain calm, stand confidently – head and shoulders up, not hunched – and look directly at the bully and say in a serious, calm, and possibly puzzled (not weak or mean) voice, “So?” This will force the bully to come up with another mean thing to say and again the child should say “So?”

Any confident response that shows the bully that the intended victim is not afraid of him can work. Some children have responded to threats with a humorous reply or by simply agreeing with the bully, or restating what he just said, without reaction: "Oh. You're saying I'm stupid." (This is not being weak; it actually takes more inner strength to choose not to fight.) After a couple of these exchanges, the bully often gets frustrated at the lack of reaction, and might just walk away.

Fighting and the Right to Defend Oneself

If a bully is persistent and doesn’t stop after this kind of response, he might resort to other tactics, such as pushing or hitting. It’s imperative that your child knows that no one is allowed to hit, push, or touch them in any way that they don’t want. Children have the right to defend themselves. Defense is different than fighting. Having your child take a self defense course through a martial arts school is one way to acquire the physical skills and confidence to thwart a bully’s attack without actually having to fight.

Basic Self-Defense Skills for a Physical Attack

How should a child handle a bully’s physical attack? There are 4 steps (remember A,B C, D):

A. Awareness – how close is the bully to you? How angry or aggressive is the bully? Is the bully moving fast (more dangerous) or slow (possibly just taunting)?

B. Be Prepared - The child should step one foot back and put up their hands in a protective, palms-out position to be prepared for a physical attack. Stepping back gives more distance away from the bully.

C. Confidently speak in a strong voice “Back off – I don't want to do this!” or “Stop! I'm not interested in this!” or some other strong phrase.

D. Defend yourself if the bully continues the attack.

If an attack does occur, a child can use simple moves for defense. These are a couple of examples, illustrated in the photos to the right (click on each photo for a larger view). This is how to deal with a pushing attack:

1. Start in the defense position described above

2. When the bully reaches both hands towards you to push you, lower both arms and make a circle by swinging the arms upward and inward against the inner part of the attackers arms. This will stop the bully’s hands from reaching you and the push will be nullified.

3. Take another step back and resume the defense position

Here’s an example of defending against a punching attack.

1. Start in a defense position

2. When the bully swings their hand toward your face, raise and tighten the arm on the side the attack is coming from, so the bully’s arm is blocked by your arm.

3. Be ready for another punch from the other side

4. Take another step back and resume the defense position

Parents can role-play these scenarios with their children to teach them the moves and give the child confidence.

The Aftermath of Self-Defense

Schools, of course, don’t allow fighting, and often both children get in trouble regardless of who started it. Violent attacks are potentially damaging, both physically and emotionally – therefore the child (and the parent) must decide when it is right to defend oneself. How far would you want your child to go in handling a bullying problem? This is another topic for discussion, and is best resolved first between the parents, and then communicated to the child.

My personal belief is that my child should protect himself and not allow himself to be a victim, even if it means going to the principal’s office or even suspension from school. Other families may have other policies, but simply getting it clear up front within a family can help give kids the confidence to do the right thing, knowing that their family will support them.

I believe it is my job as a parent to empower my child to act appropriately, and that I would be doing him a disservice if I simply told him to ignore the problem or let the school deal with it. Naturally, I would not support or condone my child starting a fight, but I would support him if he protected himself, and consequently got in trouble.

In summary

• Decide, together with your spouse, what behavior would be appropriate for your children when confronted by a bully.
  
  
• Learn and practice the basic self-defense moves described above, and decide the best way to teach these to your children.
  
  
• Communicate clearly your family philosophy to your children.
  
  
• If you have more than one child, make sure they understand that you will not tolerate bullying within the family, in addition to outside the family; anecdotal evidence suggests that children who feel helpless within their own families are more likely to become either victims or aggressors outside the family.
  
  
• Ask your children to tell you how they feel about their ability to guard against bullying, and find out the extent to which they think it is necessary in their school environment.
  
  
• If physical bullying has been or could be a problem, enroll your children in a martial arts or self-defense class; this helps psychologically as much as physically.
  
  
• Even if your children are unconcerned about bullies at the moment, role-play with them about how to deal with it should the issue come up suddenly. Teach them the moves described above.
  
  
• Let your children know that you will support them if they have done the right thing.
  
  
• Assure your children that if bullying becomes a problem at their school, you will step in and do what is necessary to help; they are not on their own.

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Sensei Matt Dorsey is owner and Master Instructor at Martial Arts America, Rochester, NY. If you live in the Rochester, NY area and would like to find out more about Bully Proof programs in your area or to arrange a presentation for your school or group, please contact him at 585-377-6130 or MattDorsey@aol.com.